WORTHINESS

It's the beginning of the new term and after a break from classes, I'm excited to get back on the mat with you all. I have been spending a lot of time at home working on jobs I've had on my list for a while. It's really satisfying to finally tick some things off. 

They were mostly boring business admin and life admin jobs, cleaning out the office cupboards and rearranging things, building furniture and dusting and cleaning. And then there was the fun stuff of working on new offerings in my business and doing more study, getting creative, using the last of the summer harvest to do some preserving and doing lots of autumn gardening prepping for the winter garden.

I find it really satisfying when those pesky jobs that seem to pile up and feel overwhelming, start to get tackled and become manageable. But to be very honest, I have to be very careful. Doing things, accomplishing goals, writing lists and ticking things off can also be a cover up for a deep seated feeling of unworthiness. 

It's hard for me to do nothing, to sit and read or to sit and draw or to sit and make something without it having a purpose because I'm worried that it will be seen as being lazy, or I'll judge myself as being lazy. Maybe we've all been trained that productive is good, doing something just for fun is bad.

Reading the quote by Brene` Brown made me stop a moment and consider, who am I trying to prove something to? Is it really me I'm worried about or is it what other people might think of me that pushes my buttons? Is it a thing that women do, always trying to please everyone else but staying on top of things?

I'm going to try to get more comfortable with this. Letting things just be instead of always trying to be productive. Doing something just because I want too and not because I should. One of the things that is so great about getting older is that more and more I don't give a rats arse about what other people think of me. I'm going to be my weird, wonderful self and be content with it.